Ten Things I Hate About Killian Jones
by imhookedonaswan
Summary: When Kristoff transfers to Storybrooke High School he wants one thing: a date with Anna Arendelle. Only one problem, she can't date unless her notoriously tough foster sister Emma Swan does. All it takes is some bribes, some begging, and someone brave enough to tame the shrew.


_-Kristoff-_

Kristoff sat in yet another guidance counselor's office in yet another new school, his fourth in 5 years, and looked around the office. He saw the same motivation posters he'd seen in at least 2 other guidance counselor's offices and he swore one of his former English teachers had the same cat mug the guidance counselor was taking a sip from. The only thing different was the name plate on her desk that read "Ms. Belle French"

"Now Kristoff I have your schedule here," she handed him a slip of paper along with a folder full of forms and pamphlets that were sure to be shockingly similar to others he's gotten in the past. "I see you've been to a number of different schools throughout your academic career, are your parents in the military?"

"No my parents are actors, they get a lot of traveling gigs," Kristoff explained, his cheeks burning slightly.

"Well I'm sure you'll find Storybrooke High no different than any other of your old schools," she said in what Kristoff hoped was supposed to be a comforting statement, "Now your Student Buddy should be getting out of class in 5 minutes so why don't you wait in the office for him and he'll show you around the campus. I have other students who need tending to."

Kristoff grabbed his backpack and hurried out of her office where he accidentally bumped into a guy wearing a black leather jacket and a heavy amount of eyeliner.

"Killian Jones, it seems that we're having weekly meetings," Ms. French opened a file on her desk. "It says here that you flashed a lunch lady, care to explain that?"

"It was just a joke, it was a bratwurst not the real thing," Killian answered and Kristoff could practically hear the smirk he had on his face.

"Be that as it may, don't do that again," Ms. French sighed. "You should get to class and don't let me catch you smoking on the baseball fields again," she called as he left her office.

"All right I won't let you catch me," he winked over his shoulder and almost ran into another student who was rushing into the office. "Oi mate watch where you're going," he snarled his relaxed demeanor dropping instantly.

"You ran into me, arsehole," the other guy muttered under his breath but when he saw Kristoff he smiled and extended his hand. "Will Scarlet, I'm the one who's going to be showing you around, nice to meet you mate."

"Kristoff, what's that guy's story?" he asked as he watched Killian's retreating back.

"Don't worry about him, he's a psychopath. Word on the street is he once ate a whole duck, beak and all, but I'm pretty sure that's just a rumor."

"Pretty sure?"

"Hey, why don't I show you where the cafeteria is?"

They spent the rest of the class period touring the campus; Kristoff saw the cafeteria, the athletic fields, the auditorium, and the classrooms he'd have his classes in. Will also seemed to know everyone and how they all fit into their respective cliques.

"Over there are the drama kids, on the outside they may be nerdy but they can party harder than you'd expect," Will pointed to a group of students coming out of the auditorium. "And over there are the jocks and their cheerleaders, we absolutely suck at football by the way so don't get your hopes up. Next to them are the rich kids, you know the type."

"Think they're practically royalty because they got a new car when they got their license?"

"See you're catching on quick," Will clapped him on the back and continued to point things out but Kristoff wasn't paying attention. A pretty redheaded girl was walking across the cafeteria with her lunch tray in her hands.

"What group does she belong to?" his eyes continued to follow the girl as she took a seat at a table with a couple of slightly older blonde girls.

"The 'don't get your hopes up' group. That's Anna Arendelle, she's a sophomore and actually really nice but just forget it. She lives with her incredibly uptight aunt and everyone knows that the Arendelle sisters and their foster sister aren't allowed to date."

"Foster sister?"

"Yeah Emma Swan, she's a real piece of work that one. She practically neutered Victor Whale last year when she kicked him in the balls for being a prat. Best to stay out of their way."

"Oh come on she can't be that bad," Kristoff looked back to the table only to see someone try to wink at her and blow her a kiss. Emma responded by flipping the bird at them.

"You still sure about that?" Will asked, "Look if you really want to give it a shot, I hear Anna needs a German tutor. You know any German?"

"I could learn," Kristoff smiled.

The bell rang signaling the start of passing period, the cafeteria became a flurry of movement has students slung backpacks over their shoulders, tossed out the trash, and hurried to class.

"Look mate, I've got Chemistry all the way on the other side of campus, can you find your class on your own?" Will said.

"Yeah I think I can manage it," Kristoff nodded. They agreed to meet up in the parking lot at the end of the day.

* * *

 _-Emma-_

Emma set her backpack down on the floor next to her desk sighing as she sat down in the uncomfortable desk.

"All right, what did everyone think of _The Sun Also Rises_?" Mr. Merlin asked from his seat on his desk.

"I thought it was really romantic," Ariel Fisher piped up. Emma scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"Emma it seems like you have something to add, care to share with the class?"

"Not really."

"Come on, this is an open environment where we can share all our thoughts and opinions," Mr. Merlin encouraged.

"Well, I just think it's a bit of a stretch to call Hemingway romantic when he was an alcoholic misogynist who was too busy drinking and having dick measuring contests with Fitzgerald to fucking write."

The whole class sat stunned for a moment before someone sniggered, Emma turned and saw that Killian Jones had made his usual late entrance just as she said her piece.

"Well Emma that's an interesting stance to take, but I'm going to have to send you to Ms. French's office," Mr. Merlin pulled a write up slip from his desk.

"What? Why? Didn't you just say that we can share our thoughts and opinions?"

"Yes, but I also have a strict 'no cursing' policy in my classroom which you are aware of so," he held out the write up slip to her. Emma scoffed but gathered up her bag and snatched the slip out of her teacher's hand.

Ingrid was waiting for her once she got home from school with Elsa. "Well Emma, I heard you made someone cry today."

"She didn't cry, Mr. Merlin just doesn't appreciate cursing in his class. Which I'm sure he lets the guys get away with a warning and not a trip to the guidance counselor's office," Emma rolled her eyes. God the ways rumors flew in this town.

"Well onto the better news, Elsa a big fat letter from Yale came in the mail today," Ingrid smiled and pointed to the kitchen. Elsa practically sprinted to the kitchen, Emma and Ingrid hurried behind her.

"I can't believe they sent it already, I thought early acceptance letters came in December but it's not even Thanksgiving yet," Elsa clutched a large envelope with the Yale letterhead stamped in the corner. "What if they already know they don't want me?'

"Or it could mean that they're sure they want you. Come on Elsa, you're the perfect Yale candidate!" Emma encouraged.

"Hold on, Anna should be here too. Where is she, she usually ride home with you two," Ingrid asked.

Emma and Elsa shared a look, they had seen Anna getting into Neal Cassidy's car with his friend Hans putting his hand on her knee.

"She got a ride home with-," Elsa tried to cover for her. They heard the front door bang open followed by Anna's excited footsteps.

"I'm home!" she called before walking into the kitchen. She spotted the fat envelope Elsa was clutching in her hands. "Oh my god is that your early acceptance letter? Open it!"

"Not so fast, who gave you a ride home?" Ingrid placed her hands on her hips, going straight into Mom Mode.

"Oh I just got a ride from Neal and Hans, it wasn't a big deal. Totally innocent," Anna toyed with the blonde streak in her hair.

"Anna you know the rules, no dating until you graduate."

"It's a ride home from school, not a date!" Anna huffed.

"Sure it starts with just a car ride, but then it could progress into doing other things in that car," Ingrid narrowed her eyes at Anna, her normally soft voice taking on an icy edge.

"Hey so Elsa got her Yale letter, let's focus on that instead of this?" Emma changed the subject abruptly. Elsa smiled uncomfortably as Anna and Ingrid focused their attentions back onto her, her hands shook slightly as she ripped along the seam of the envelope and slid the packets and letter out of it. Her eyes scanned the letter before a wide smile broke through her face.

"I got in! I got in!" she jumped up and down as Emma, Anna, and Ingrid all threw their arms around her.

"I knew you would!" Emma said.

"I'm so proud of you Elsa!" Ingrid pulled back from the hug and turned to Emma, "When do you think we'll hear back from the schools you applied to?"

Emma felt a weight settle into her stomach, she hadn't bothered applying anywhere besides the local community college. She knew that with her less than stellar grades and inconsistent attendance, no college was going to want her anyway. Besides, Ingrid wasn't going to pay Elsa's Yale tuition AND tuition for whatever college would take Emma. "I should hear back from Storybrooke Community College by winter break."

"Oh, well that'll be nice, you can live here while you take classes," Ingrid nodded. Emma didn't miss the way Ingrid's brows had knitted together in confusion and figured she should start looking for apartments to live in once the school year ended. It was too much to hope that Ingrid would let her live in the house once she stopped receiving money from the state when Emma aged out of the system.

"And Anna, don't think I've forgotten about you and these boys," Ingrid rounded on her. "If my memory serves her right, both Neal and Hans are the same age as Elsa and Emma. Boys at that age have only one thing on their minds and they have no qualms taking advantage of sweet and trusting girls like you."

"Aunt Ingrid come on, I know you just want to protect us from stuff but this is insane! Everyone at our school dates, it's not fair that I have to miss out because you don't trust me."

"It's not that I don't trust you, I don't trust the other kids at your school. And not everyone at your school dates, Emma and Elsa don't."

"Hey don't bring us into this," Emma crossed her arms in front of herself.

"Elsa doesn't date because she's asexual and aromantic! You know this she came out last year, you made ice cream cake."

"And it was delicious, we should make that again to celebrate!" Elsa desperately tried to change the subject but Anna and Ingrid were too involved in their argument to notice.

"And Emma doesn't date because she just doesn't; but just because it works for her doesn't mean it'll work for me. Can't I just have a chance to have some teenage normalcy? Please?"

Ingrid looked thoughtful for a moment and Emma thought that she would actually give in and change the rule before a small smirk spread across Ingrid's face, "All right Anna you can date," Anna punched the air in triumph, "When Emma does."

It was hard to tell who was more upset as Emma and Anna both started protesting.

* * *

 _-Kristoff-_

So you're telling me that in order for you to get a date with Anna Arendelle, Emma Swan needs to go on a date with someone?" Will asked Kristoff over the frog they were meant to be dissecting. "Mate you're shit out of luck, _no one_ is brave enough to attempt that."

"Come on there has to be someone who would do it. It could be like extreme dating."

"It's not that people haven't tried, she's just a complete _shrew_ half the time that people haven't bothered. Face it mate, it's not going to happen. No one is that crazy."

"Way to look on the bright side," Kristoff scoffed and looked over his shoulder. He spotted the guy who had run into him in Ms. French's office on his first day, he was busy prodding his frog with a pocket knife. "Hey, what about him? He might just match her crazy."

"No, absolutely not, that guy is nuts. I heard he just did a year in San Quentin."

"So he must he horny," Kristoff chuckled. "Look what's the harm in just asking?"

Will sighed and rolled his eyes, "Alright fine, but we're going to do this we're doing it right. We need some insurance; someone dumb but who has money."

"Why do they need to have money?"

"Look I may have gotten a C in Economics but if there's one thing I learned from that bore of a class is that you never make an investment with your own money. We need a backer and I can think of one person dumb enough to do it," Will's eyes landed on Hans who appeared to have accidentally amputated one of his frog's legs and was trying to stick it back on. "And luckily for us, he has an even dumber friend with more money."

* * *

 _-Killian-_

Killian Jones spied the girl Neal Cassidy and his lackey Hans had told him to ask out with the $100 Neal had paid him burning a hole in his pocket. He was being cheeky when he had upped the price Neal had given him to ask out this Emma Swan, but when Cassidy was willing to shell out that much money Killian wasn't going to turn it down. Truth be told when he looked at Emma Swan's golden hair and jade green eyes, he would have asked her out for free. She closed her locker, gym bag slung over her shoulder, and he saw his opportunity.

"Hey there," he said falling into step next to her.

"Hi?" her brows furrowed together in confusion.

"Where you going?" he could tell already this was going to be harder than he had anticipated.

"To go sweat my ass off at track practice," she gestured to her bag.

"Talking about your ass? Now that's a good way to get a guy's attention," Killian smiled at her. She looked disgusted.

"Yeah getting guys' attention is my entire life's goal and you helped me achieve it. So I guess we're done here?"

"Nope, I say we pick this up again, say Friday night?" He wheeled around so he was facing her.

"Um no, I'm pretty sure you don't even know my name since I have no idea who the hell you are."

"Killian Jones, and I can show you places you've never even dreamed of. We could get to know each other."

"Emma Swan and I'm definitely not interested. Now I'm late for practice," she sidestepped him and hurried down the hall to the girl's locker room. Killian stared after her, this was definitely going to be harder than he thought.

"Ouch that was rough my friend," a hand clapped him on the shoulder. Killian looked around to see Will Scarlet and a blond guy Killian didn't know standing next to him.

"Don't touch me," Killian shrugged his shoulder.

"All we're saying is it looked like you could use a bit of help, help that we're willing to give you free of charge."

"Oh yeah? And why would you do that?"

"So that my mate Kristoff here can have a chance to take out young miss Anna Arendelle."

"What is it with this girl? Does she have beer flavored nipples?"

The blond guy, Kristoff Killian assumed, made a move towards him "Don't talk about her like that."

"All right mate, let's not tear my head off. Then you'll never get a date with the lass."

"What my large friend means to say is that his interests are purer than say that of Hans," Will said standing between them.

"And I care about his intentions because?" Killian rested his hand on his belt buckle, eyebrow raised skeptically at them. "I'm just in this for the cash."

"What we mean to say is that we set this whole thing up so that Kristoff could have a chance with Anna, not Hans. Neal and Hans are just pawns. We can help you get all the information on Emma Swan that you need; she likes, her dislikes, her interests. Here we even have a list." Will shoved a piece of notebook paper into his hand. "Now Saturday night is Victor Whale's annual homecoming party, it's the perfect opportunity for you to take out Emma."

"You just saw how well my interaction with Emma just went, how do you expect me to get her to go to a party with me?"

"Emma and Elsa are going to see their favorite band play at the Rabbit Hole Friday night; you show up talk to her about all the things you have in common, flash your smoldering eyes at her, and bob your head to whatever music is playing and you're in the clear mate."

"Sounds doable," Killian shrugged.

"Oh, and one more thing," Kristoff said, "Anna told me that Emma doesn't like smokers and she likes pretty guys so..."

"Are you saying I'm not a pretty guy?" A beat of silence passed as Kristoff and Will tried to save face.

"You're very pretty, wha-what are you talking about Kristoff?" Will smacked him on the chest.

"Yeah yeah, sorry I don't know what I was saying. So Rabbit Hole, Friday night, you'll be there?"

"I suppose."


End file.
